Thursday, May 23

The Shoreshank re-identification

To Brother Ximinez,

I regret to have to confirm that which was discovered at guests' lights out last night; Konan The Baptist has indeed escaped. He is nowhere within the villa. It appears he, quite unknown, had been working on a small hole through from the wall of his cell into the courtyard. This hole was at all times hidden by a large paper chart of his life list, county list and patch list, which, quite frankly impressed no-one, and fooled no-one, including as it did many so made-up species; the staff tended to give it a wide berth at all times. This was unfortunate.

Efforts are underway to detain him, but we think he may have crawled into the latrine pipes to get under the fence and that we know is the level at which the Baptist is most at home; he could stay happily hidden in his own filth down in the gutter for years.

Fang.

Feels like rain again



Monday, May 20

Brother Mulder and Sister Scully

From Cardinals Inquisitor Fox Mulder and Inquisitor Dana Scully,
Iberian Inquisition Unclaimable Flying Objects Division,
Villa Carnt Tella basement broom cupboard.

For the eyes of his most Holy Prosecutor Cardinal Ximinez:

Official Transcript:
Customer Satisfaction Meeting with Fumblefinch, The Reverend Bandwell Ringmore
May 19th
Conducting: Scully
Apologies for lateness received: Mulder
(Transcribing: Skinner and Tooms)

DS: Good morning Reverend. I'm so sorry you've been kept waiting, I'm afraid my partner has sent message he is detained temporarily, but will be here shortly. So, if I might begin without him? I'm interested in your meeting at Nupnor; who was this with, and what was this about? I ask this because..
-
FM: Scully(!)
-
DS: Please do excuse us, Reverend. (Aside) Mulder, calm yourself, what is it?
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FM: It's gone Scully, the Turin Shroudy Thrush, it's gone(!)
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DS: Mulder, quietly, please, not in front of guests. (walks to corner of room, whispering) Mulder, I thought we had agreed not to pursue that case further? It is not an EXF file. Top men from the Inquisition poured over the original photograph for many hours to rule out mysticism, shamanism and Nessieism and could find no doubt. That was why the news was so late released, well after Friday communion meaning that, unfortunately, some Zealots were in no state fit to travel that night. There was no conspiracy Mulder.
-
FM: But Scully, it's gone(!) Look at the facts. It was found, disappeared into the place of the dead only to rise to the treetops on the third day;- seen by many in full glory, now ascended to the Heavens. Do you not see what this means? It is as foretold. This truly was.. the Thrush of God.
-
DS: Mulder, sssh(!), such talk will get you excommunicated. Look, all I know is there was no trace of EXF on the Shroudy: no embroidered explainable fabrications. What there was Mulder, and what is now being looked at by top men, top men, was a minor plumage anomaly- and you know there will always be a plausible explanation found for any minor plumage anomalies when it comes to rares. And already in this case it is suspected that the fraternal organisation, The Orange Institution, might be behind the faint feather pigmentation not usually expected on Shroudy Thrush. Now heated listing politics such as the problems between TUKOGBANI and the 'Uncountable lands' are not our field Mulder. We investigate miracles, relics and unearthly sightings, and, simply put, there is nothing miraculous to investigate about this Shroudy Thrush. All that is needed is for top men to tell the Zealots if the bird is tickable or not.
-
FM: Scully, Scully, listen to me. We all know there will be a cover up. There is way too much at stake here. Too many Zealots have glimpsed it, and the bird will be said to be just that. Just a tickable bird. But you know and I know this is a sign Scully, proof of something fantastic and I for one will not let this go.
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DS: Fox, Fox, please. You and I know what this is really about. The disappearance of a sister species, and subsequent sightings. It's the S.B.C. all over again. Let it go. You have to concentrate on the here and now Mulder. And right now we have a case to prove against the Reverend.
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FM: And meanwhile the truth gets hidden? Again? No Scully, I want to believe. I want that to be a bog-standard run of the mill Shroudy Thrush, I really do, but how many cases have we had from that county over the years Scully? Ley lines, flight lines, hot spots, physic activity.. No, I really want to believe Scully. Which is why I'm going back (exits cupboard).
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DS: Fox! (aside) Godammit Mulder, just tick the damn bird. But no, it has to be all purity listing with you, doesn't it?? (shouts) Fox! Wait, I'm coming with you. You're not armed with Sven Larssen like me(!) (exits cupboard).
-
(a pause)
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BRF (Revd): Excuse me, hallo?... Still here... Should I wait up for you, or just climb upon the rack for now?




Friday, May 17

The Flying Squad

From Cardinals Inquisitor Jack Regan and Inquisitor George Carter,
Iberian Inquisition Metropolitizian Priest Division,
Villa Carnt Tella Isabellina Yard

For the eyes of his most Holy Prosecutor, Cardinal Ximinez:


Official transcript:
Customer Satisfaction Meeting with Baptist, Konan T.

May 17th.
Conducting: Regan and Carter.
(Transcribing and witnessing: Bush, Bush, Clinton and Obama.)

JR: Right Baptist, you know us. We know you. An' you, well, you've bin a naughty boy again, still going rawnd saying migrating Jays ain't migrants. You really need ter shut it pal. Fer yer own good.
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KTB: But t'is truth. That a small number migrate, yes, but now, at this time of the year in the main these be dispersive movements due to breedering. The Brothers Godwin and Derek have studied them. That Jays have groups of unpaired birds come together, known as 'Spring gatherings', is fact written in the texts. That these are mainly young birds, fact. That there is intraspecific aggression, the intolerances of which increase in the early part of the breedering season, a fact also. That these gatherings of unpaireds are usually small in number is true, but it is writ e'en the old Warleggans at Porthgwarra have seen many birds trying to think about heading out over water to find new sites, but then giving up after a while and then returning o'er sea not far along the coast.
And a fact that the guarding of the mate increases at the time of egg laying, which be now, leading to more of those unloved and unappealing youths being forced out, alone or into gatherings. It is wrong to simply think moving Jays are migrating Jays.
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JR: You pal, are 'avin a larff. You ain't got one birderer, one bleedin' birderer, round 'ere who'll back you up fer this jackanory.
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KTB: Pah!I have plenty who will vouchsafe recent evidence for this;- if you only contact them.
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JR: 'Kin 'eck(!) Kin 'eck, eh George?
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GC: 'Kin 'eck indeed guv'nor.
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JR: Gerron then Baptist , who's yer alibirders fer this pack ov porkies? Names, places. NOW(!)
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KTB: Just days before you so delightfully 'invited' me here, I received word instantaneous that a counterer had just seen but a handful or so of Jays moving east together along the northern leading line of Northern Marshes Peninsula. Now I, for my sins, at that very moment was just offshore of the easternmost point, returning from a hulk, and delighted to have that very same flock appear some 30 minutes after first seen, coming towards me along the shoreline; but they avoided continuing on that direction and past me over water;- instead they turned south, and followed the shore. And there they were also seen from that shore by Dean Cliff, who awaited me to discuss matters evangelic.
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JR: Now ain't that a shame? I think you're tellin' me porkies. See, the ol' Dean is also on 'oliday here, and says 'e didn't see 'em, and 'e's bin 'ere weeks. Besides, that bit a' coast ain't open, see;- it's now an 'ot-air balloon terminal, has bin fer some time;- no public access.
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KTB: That is simply not true. The Jays were then spied along the southern saltings by a burly birderer, E. tattoo'd, flying back west along the southern side.
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JR: Now that there is a right ol' co-incidence, eh George?
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GC: Yeah, guv'nor, a right ol' co-incidence.
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JR: 'Cos that birderer and all his tattoo'd mates is all on 'oliday 'ere as well. Stag party. Them weren't there. And anyway, all that bit of coast is a bleedin' great dock, so, no public access.
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KTB: But the Jays were seen further west still, still flying west, by one of the King's Northern Power Rangers.
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JR: Holiday. 'Ere. Whole bleedin' regiment. Weeks. 'Oliday manoeuvres. And it's all bleedin' great furnaces along there. No public access.
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KTB: Then at Nupnor. Over the village.
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JR: Closed off as a plague village this last year. No public access.
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KTB: But Bandwell was meeting an inform- meeting a storywriter there..
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JR: Well, well, well. Was 'e now? The ol' Rev'll be asked about this storywriter, 'cos he's.. George.. George (!)
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GC: Sorry Guv'nor. 'E's 'ere Guv'nor.
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JR: Thank you George. Yeah, 'oliday. 'Ere.
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KTB: Lies! This is all lies! The flock then flew north-west into Chatteringdean Woods, making it almost a full circuit of the Peninsula! They were seen by Weasel, up for the day from Listershire!
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JR: And where was Weasel at that time George?
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GC: 'Ere guvnor. 'Oliday guv'nor.
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JR: And what's them Chatteringdean Woods George?
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GC: Them's a building site guv'nor.
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KTB: No NO NO! That wood is full of Nightingale! This cannot be!
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GC: I'm gonna say this one last time Koney. You listen, and listen good. There's a bleedin' balloon port, there's a bleedin' great dock, there's a bleedin' load of 'eating furnaces and there's a bleedin' great 'ovel development. There ain't no birds left on that Peninsula. There ain't no bleedin' birds that'd wanna be.
They.
'Ave.
All.
Migrated.

A bleedin' long time ago. Anyfink passing is migrating;- you got it, right?
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KTB: But if the Jays did migrate along there, then surely more would be seen on the Isle of Elmlea Fur & Feather Preservation Society reserve lands just opposite the Peninsula?? But it is rare there. Why? YOU SIR ANSWER ME THAT SIR!
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JR: Elmlea FFPS reserve George?
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GC: Gorn guv'nor. There ain't no Elmlea FFPS reserve. Ain't there no-more guv'nor. Jus' sort'a.. went guv'nor. Jus' the other day.
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KTB: NO(!) I will NOT accept this(!) Just because some in high places, who should know better, want to stick by simplistic migration as an answer to everything, there is this huge conspiracy!! Why can no-one see this? Why can no-one simp..
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JR: GEOOOOORGE(!!!!!!!!)
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GC: Guv'nor?
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JR: Cushion.
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GC: Guv'nor.
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KTB: MMMMMmmfmmffbptmmbbmmmffffffsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss


"We're the Sweeney son, and we 'aven't had our daily update from Dingeyness Observatory"

Tuesday, May 14

Cardinal Da Vinci Code

From Cardinals Inquisitor Biggles and Inquisitor Fang
Travelodge de Tribunal del Santo Oficio de la Inquisition Iberian,
Villa Carnt Tella Isabellina, Cadiz

To his most Holy Prosecutor Cardinal Ximinez:

Villa Guest Dissatisfaction Feedback
May 13th.

1) Feedback and comments on the matter of guest Friar Richard:-

As instructed, we left the Friar a copy of the latest TUKOGBANI Birds open at aknowledgements/references for the new Boozard article, having first had albino monks make each reference into a shining illumination to highlight matters. We shall see if this works. If not, we will try the cushion again.

2) Feedback and comments on the matter of guest Father Phil O'Patry:-

As instructed, we now have castrato monks chanting aloud, twenty-three hours and thirty minutes a day, chapters and verses upon migration from County Reports. Retraction will come. If not speedily, then the thirty minute coffee break at eleven will be replaced with the cushion before the weekend.

3) Feedback and comments on the matter of guest Konan T. Baptist:-

Keeping him cold and naked in filthy squalid conditions within the Abu Ghraib H block executive suite seemed only to continue to raise his spirits. As instructed, we have now threatened him a wash and a shave, a backke, sackke and crackke and body paint of the Orange Order, plus a smart polo-necked hairshirtte sporting a badge of the county society thereon. We are pleased to report he now sings his confessions like an Angel at the last loggecall.

4) Feedback and comments on the matter of guest Tally Kircubbin of the Mendicant Order of Fowle sightings:-
As instructed, Kircubbin is now awoken every fifteen minutes to offer him more and more news from 'Carttrack'. We are pleased to report he now seems much less keen on his false idol Svalan, the ancient Norse deity of Premierlongship birderers. We are considering removing his cushion as reward.

5) Feedback and comments on the matter of guest Fumblefinch (the as-yet-unrepentant):-

Your Grace, we regret we continue to fail you.
There are no new developments to report on the small parchment of map found upon his person; he still claims no prior knowledge of it. As you know, we believe it once part of a larger map, similar to those seen in County Avifauna Atlasses. The runes upon it suggest themselves to be hiding a name of a species, but we know not what.
It must hint that somewhere a County has revealed too much information on a particular species, and this shard has been ripped out to hide that fact. It must be en route back to that somewhere for the authorities to adjust their open page, though from the age of the parchment they may have had this information up for some time. They can only hope it continues that no-one ever looks upon there.
Perhaps Fumblefinch was to have passed this piece on to the as yet unknown County Recorder for them to see their error, make adjustment and hide the precious relic's whereabouts at a greater depth than just to one furlong square? If this is so, then, unless there is another public copy, we may yet still have time to use spies to find which species has had too much shown upon its breedings. But, oh, these runes(!):- why, even Cardinal Leonardo cannot yet break them. Which one, your Eminence, which one and where??



P.S. We are sorry to have to say someone had left Gideon's Bird Reports in all the bunkside cabinets. Again.