Your usual preacher, now absent on his Sabbatical, has entrusted your souls to me and as I will not let any of you risk earning eternal damnation in in his absence, I must demand that all Parishoners of Much Ticking repent- specifically:
Followers of A'foot-it- REPENT !!!! As it is written in Paul, John, George and Ringo 12: 3 'Those that follow on foot will spend 31 days in the wilderness. And that is 31 days they will never, ever get back. Give it up.'
Garden bird counters- REPENT !!!! As it is written in Genesis 99 12-15 'And it came to pass that the Priests of the Temples of Media prophesied that the poor Mistle Thrush would be used to gain much publicity among the great unwashed for the garden count. And all followers of Media believed this spin and repeated it as being newsworthy and not just being publicity. But, as punishment for this, just before the weekend the Waxen Chatterer ate of the forbidden apple on the pointy stick causing all birds to be banished from the gardens for the weekend of the Mighty count. So all counts were low, and the the weekend cursed to be naught but a gimmick forevermore.
Birderers getting tattoos of birds- REPENT !!! As it is written (really, it is, take a look) in Leviticus 19:28 'You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead, or tattoo yourselves' Those of you that have, flay yourselves.
Userers of all and any worldwideinterweb thingies- REPENT !!!! As it is written in Twittites 9:1-3 'In the beginning was the sighting, and the sighting was good. The sighting was so good it appeared on the Alert of Rare Birds, the Almighty Forum of Birds, the Local Line of Birds, on the Book of Face and on the a'twitter. The sighting was sooooo good it appeared on every a'twitter, of every a'twitterer. For ever and ever. A'twitter.'
Members of the Camera obscura club of Kent- REPENT !!!! As it is written in St. Martyn's letter to the Cannon-ites 12:34-56 'CocKs, seek not to lure all species to your lens with the legume of Arachis hypogaea, for you really should know not all fowles come to them. As an instance, for Bitternes on frozen ice, well, that's never going to work out'
Followers of the Black Country- REPENT !!!! As it is written in James's letter to the Asbo-ites 1:1 'Peace will only return to your land when the Lamb lies down with the Mole.'
Premier League Birderers- REPENT !!!! You will never, ever win the Premier League. For it is written in Acts of the Apostles 400:400 ' "I am the way and the truth and the judge and the jury and executioner. No record comes to acceptance except through me." '
Supporters of TUKOGBANI- REPENT !!!! As it is written in Numbers 3.14159.. 'Whilst on the WeBS count he came upon five loaves and two fishes, which he then made into a feeding flock of 5,000 dunlin. And the local co-ordinator said it was good.'
Disciples of the British Birding National Frontiers Party- REPENT !!!! As it is written in Revelations 2013: 1-3 'Let him who is low listing count the number of recently split beasts, for it is the number of a man with too much time on his hands, and that number is 666. Beware then also that same man when he then tours the lands demanding all turn to seagullery.'
There, I think I have brought order to all. Do as I say, no other way is ever acceptable to me.
This does, methink, just leave the small number of wimmin within our congregation- REPENT !!!! Do always as it is written in (and really, it is, take a look) One Timothy 2:12 and One Corinthians 11:6. Leave all the birdering to the menfolk and stay by your hearth. Your God's chosen one has spoken. Here are nice kittens with yarn for you instead.